The Nature of Mistakes

It's hard not to laugh at this photo. I cannot tell you where it came from, my son posted it on his Facebook page, and I had to lift it.

How many times have you done something, anything, and that wee small voice in your mind says that same thing? I can't count the many times I have heard this voice, and in a micro-second, made the wrong decision. In that micro second, the choice to make the mistake was weighed against the 'what-ifs' of my decision. Of course, as everyone will attest, when it is the devil in the details, he speaks so softly, that you often brush the consequences under the hairline, or out your ears like so much wax. Or, like the dog, you don't make the connection between that tender part and a toy. Wow.

"You are about to make a mistake" resonates with me for everything I've done. From my rebellious childhood, taking whippings because some socially aware part of me knew HE was wrong, and that there was no excuse for that kind of brutality, to needing love and affection, and seeking it in the wrong places. But also from putting off what I know to be true. Like cleaning house.

"You are about to make a mistake" is that quiet voice, that rails against the other one that says it is ok to leave the dog hair piled up along side the stereo on the floor, if I've done the dishes, or baked a fine meal of vegan fare. It turns out, most times that voice, that quiet one, is totally right. Completely right.

Who wants to come home to a pile papers on a desk, when the space was always determined to be more or less a sacred work space? Ever heard that Tibetan shepherdess who wailed/sang on YoYo Ma's album of World Music? That haunting, plaintive, sound that speaks to some place in your soul? Every time I come home to see that the pile of papers, or dog hair hasn't moved, my soul cries that same sound. It's eerie.

So, I learned to listen to that voice. Ok, admittedly, it feels like after the horse left the barn, but I'm still working on it. My biggest take from that voice, is not to give credence to 'things'. Don't get me wrong, I love things. I love gadgets, jewelry, shoes, and clothes, and books, oh, especially books. But sometimes, when they take over my emotions, it is time to rid myself of stuff.

My sister has a rock solid relationship. She suffers her ups and downs, I'm sure. I know her life, and her husbands' lives are not what they pictured, who's ever is? But they believe in each other's heart, and know that their souls are intertwined. When something goes wrong, they force themselves to talk it over, and work it out. This is the norm for so many people who are committed to their relationships, and to their futures, that it isn't worth saying. But for me, I've hid behind blinders that allowed me not to see the immediate; not to focus on what is obviously in the way of what could be. Oh, that devil, he is an insidious little demon, isn't he?

The tar balls of problems not addressed has been something I've had to learn the hard way. I learned through my ex that you need to tackle everything now. Do it, get it done. Procrastination is not my friend. (Oh, shit, really? We were so close!) From my beloved now, my true love, I've learned that I've ignored the obvious for far too long.

I will be the first to admit, I'm not a detail person. I will also be the first to say I try really hard. I do. Except with the house. Is it my rebellious self? The girl who used to fight every edict my father put forth? or my stepmother, who like every other stepmother to a kid, was Cinderella's nemesis, as much as she was mine. I know that to be true.

In my life, it was the way I survived, the way I thrived. There was so much wrong in my house after my mother left that place, and I've never begrudged her that freedom, not any more. The wrong came from my father, and that should be left in the past. It should, I should not be taking that baggage with me ever. Never again to live it. But like those mistakes that you make, that is when they thrive, like mosquitos after the sun is low, they come out and feed on your blood. They thrive in the times they should not. You wake and realize that voice has been talking to you all night long.

"You are about to make a mistake" like the dog in the photograph above, I will remember this one. I think I will always think about snapping my teeth onto some very tender part of my body. From now on, I will heed that voice. Oh, yes, I will.