He may not have all the answers, he doesn't follow my instructions, but his instincts on timing were spot on, this time.
How can I begin to breathe easier now? I am conditioned to worry, and to fret. Please drive slower; please quit smoking; please eat better; take vitamins; exercise; read. The list of please do's gets old, and is like an old torn and tattered suitcase I'd much rather leave on the side of the road, abandoned.
I will try. I will strive to leave the old alone, and go for the new. They, he, her, she, them, they are old enough to make their own mistakes, to make the list of please don't's for their own children and categorize them and publish them as they will. With the history these kids have, they have plenty of rules and fears to choose from.
It is widely held that my parenting skills suck. They did then, and surely, they would be different now. But I don't have to worry about that, now that my children are their own people, are finally out from under the alcohol, drugs, and all the affectations of rebelliousness. They have experienced life, like I never did, but they did it, and have a catalog of experiences to chastise their kids about.
For me, I am done. I will love them, always, and I will be there for them, but no longer do I feel the need to hover, to meddle, or be opinionated about. Just be aware, "Kids, if you ask me, after you've told me the truth, I will tell you. Good or bad, I will give it to you, filters be damned. I deserve a break, though, and by God, I am taking it. I've got a lot of things I need to do, and I don't want to worry about you."
I can breathe now. I don't want to think about what good or negative things can come up to break my calm, though I'm having a hard time turning off that switch. I want to savor the sober; the mother; the working stiff. I want to savor the triumphs of my kids, for they are wins, and they are winners.
There is a lot to be thankful about in this post... I think it is your shortest offering to date.
ReplyDeleteYou know I have many thoughts on the past. We have not always had a great run through our childhood, however, I stopped blaming a long time ago. I am about to turn 52, for heaven's sake! It's on me. There is nothing I can do to change the past. Forward, Ho! (that is not a slur... remember when thongs were something you wore on your feet?) oh, and I see no thunder storms in the forecast for most of the week. ;D.
Sadly, the more mistakes I make, the more I realize how they are tied to the past. Man, it (the "past") did a number on us, didn't it? It is mind blowing to find out this self destructive quality is a family legacy, I mean, to finally awake to feel it, and run into it, time and again but to finally see this ghost for what it is, that is weirdly gratifying. Now, the hard part, or maybe the easy part now, is to work on it, on me.
ReplyDeleteFor a moment, though, I'm slipping into the fetal position. I've finished the kitchen, closet, packing up your boxes. I just want to sleep. Oh, forgot to mention, didn't get to sleep until 3, and woke up at 5:39. And I drove to and from DC. not bad for an early bird, eh?